Стас Костюшкин x Семён Слепаков | ЧТО БЫЛО ДАЛЬШЕ? (Сабуров, Щербаков, Рептилоид, Тамби, Детков)
What happened next? A show in which comedians listen to their guests stories and try to guess what happened next. What happened next? What happened next? What happened next? Stas Kostyushkin*!* Singing My sweet one by Tea For Two, Stas ex-band *Singing My sweet one by Tea For Two, Stas ex-band* And stop! *Singing My sweet one by Tea For Two, Stas ex-band* Yeah, Stas, youre a cool fucking dude! You have a cool fucking beard! Before we start I have to say that Stas Kostyushkin is the first guest in our shows history that demanded God damn it, this is your third episode! that demanded money. I see. He even has a story about it. You can see hes greedy and takes everything. Can I please tell how it happened? Nah, for real, listen to him. Alright, tell us. Do tell. So, there I was, watching your show If you get silent for even half a second, youre done everybodys gonna fucking stampede you. Hes saying it as a friend. You were being friendly, yeah? Yes, friendly. Thats it, Im not your fucking friend anymore. Very quickly, come on, very, very quickly. Alright, let me tell it very quickly Wait, but there are moments when When you need to ask something. Yeah, when we need to ask something. Its not like were trying to make you feel unwelcome, its not like this at all. Definitely. Tell the story about how you demanded money from us. I cant tell it because you all dont shut up. Come on, come on. Alright, alright. After I watched your show, I called Ruslan Bely*. * Stand-up comedian and previous guest of the show Ruslan Bely? How the fuck do you even You have a mutual acquaintance whos a stripper*. * Reference to Ruslans appearance in the show Yes. And her name is Andrey Beburishvili*. * Reference to Ruslans appearance in the show Then what? I called Ruslan Why did you call him? I wanted to ask him about this show Where did you get his number from? Ruslan picked up and said: Who the hell is this? And then heard the music Are you friends or These old folks have their own connection, you know? No, he called him using cup-phones. Hello! Hello! Do you hear me? Ruslan! Bely! No-no-no, back to the story. OK. I called Ruslan Bely and asked: Ruslan, how was the show? And he was like: Huh? What? Whos that? Shitter! Shit! This is his dial tone.Shit! Hello, Ruslan Bely is speaking. What show are you talking about? So And he said He said to me that the show Did you introduce yourself? Hi, this is Stas Kostyushkin. Or did you rudely say: Whats the show like? Can I just ask one question? When he picked up, what did he say? Did he go: What the fuck? Stas Kostyushkin? Yes. Or did he go: Oh, Stas, whats up, dude? This is very important to know. Did you pay for the call or did he? I dont remember, frankly. Where did you get his number from? Im not joking. How did you get it? Ruslan and I have been friends since our childhoods Motherfuckers Im gonna delete his number right away. Stories that cannot stay silent anymore! Where and why did Stas Kostyushkin touch Reason for the separation of Tea For Two Ruslan Bely! Thats why it happened. Soon were gonna see Coffee For Two with Ruslan and Stas going Tea with White* Milk! * Ruslan Belys surname translates as White Stas Kostyushkins tea that prolongs your orgasm! Enjoy it every single day! Ip dip dip Jerk off ip! Come on! Thank you, I couldnt come up with the ending. Stas, if I were to dip a cookie in you, would it Would it become darker? Try and see for yourself. I dont have a cookie. Bring a cookie into the studio! The cookie will be covered in chocolate. Wait a second Look Glazed Go ahead, Lyokha. There is no more band Tea For Two, right? Right. So, youre both on your own, right? Theres just Tea and Two. Everyones tea is separate What is the purpose of this question? I was trying to tell you a story. OK, go ahead, tell a story. Was I interrupting you or something? You interrupted me, I was telling about Stas! Stas! Start a band called Tea Parlor For Seven, eh!* * Rustams using stereotypical Caucasian accent And some hookah, yeah! Why did we Hey, hey! Change our coals, you! Thats modern Russia for you. Multicultural Russia. You all laugh, but they are already dancing on our streets. But you think that its funny, that its all jokes. Stop! Stop! Stop! Were not moving anywhere! And Ruslan said to me: The shows shit. Nice try. Just how you like it. The shows shit! Take the money! Or the prize!* * Reference to the Russian Wheel of Fortune He said: They called me a homo twice on that show. Alright. You dont even need to go. Wait. I said: Did they pay you for it? And you said: Then theyll definitely do that with me. He said: They just called me a homo and I paid for it. and didnt pay me for it. I said: Ruslan, what have we become? Yeah! What does that make you, then? Wait. What have we become? They can just call a guy a homo What have we become, Ruslan? What have we become? and not even pay him a penny. Can you imagine? Right, right. Thats when I called Nurlan and told him: Nurlan, everythings fine I dont know how he got my number. Ruslan gave it to me. You called the wrong guy, Ill tell you that. You shouldve called me. You No, listen to him. I told him: Everythings fine, Nurlan, I will go to your show, but tell me: am I going to be called a homo on your show? Should we, or Is this a request? Can you also choke me a little and call me a whore? Im just curious. You dont need a mouth gag its already inside me. Nurlan said: I dont know, depends on how it goes. You may be called a homo. I told him: You know, Im not so young anymore, and I dont want to be called a homo for free. Give me 300,000 rubles*. * $4700 And did we give it to you, or So, listen here, you faggot! Come on, come on! This is for the first time. Thank you. Well see how it goes from here. Wait Moving forward. Do we pay you every time we think about think or speak? Speak. Suck a dick. Lyokha, you fucking Great! Give me the money. That was just a grand. This is going to be a long episode. Are you kidding me? Stas Kostyushkin, you motherfucker Nurlan! Nurlan! Stas is a faggot! Next! Nurlan! From my friend over here: Stas is a faggot! From the entire Channel 1, from the production company and from me personally: Stas is a faggot!* * Reference to the Russian Wheel of Fortune What a faggot! Here are two boxes Come here, come here. Wait Who is it? Do it. Stas is a faggot. Thank you. Lets stop right now No, continue! Does anyone have Larisa Guzeevas* phone number?* a TV show host who once said: “What a faggot!” Ill pay! “What a faggot!” Yeah, this is Fucking hell! Lets start? I feel like Im in a In a strip-club, you know? She doesnt strip down, she just goes Just put it here. Hey, what? What? And there you can see Denis Klyaver* going: Dont put it here! * ex-band member of Tea For Two Give me some money, too! Alright, I suggest we cancel this faggot-ass topic This faggot-ass show Yeah. Didnt you come here by motorcycle? I did. Stas rides motorcycles, in case you didnt know. I do. Thats what Im saying, motorcycle owners are such faggots Fuck They get in the way all the time Lyokha, less frequently, please. Well end up in debt. People will gladly donate more money if it comes to this. OK. Shall I tell my story? Yes. Well, its not the funniest story, because, as weve found out, Im not a comedian, Im a faggot. Try anyway Are you gonna take money from yourself, too? Because youre incredibly greedy. Youre also not a singer. Alright. Im in Saint Petersburg Nah, this is Moscow. I swear to you, this is Moscow. How do you know, beardy one? Erm, Stanislav Yeah? Can I continue? Give me back a thousand, because Stanislav doesnt sound OK, back to your story.Youre in Saint Petersburg. Im in Saint Petersburg, Im working in the Zazerkalye theater. Really? I played that theater. I know that! You played the hedgehog, right? The dickhog, you fucking Not a single ruble. I fell in love with a girl. Wait a minute! For the first time? Should I return the money because Im not a faggot? What a faggot! Give us our money back! No, your personality is still the same. Why? She did turn out to be a dude in the end, definitely. OK, so you fell in love with a girl for the first and the last time And it wasnt really love, you know, she was just feeding me sandwiches. and using a strap-on on me. There werent This one deserved it, sincerely. No, he didnt used to be that back then. I wasnt. Youre welcome. OK It was the 90s, nobody was using a strap-on, there wasnt even a word for it. Yeah, she just used her arm. No, she used those sticks for floor mops. Just stick-fucking people! Well, you would know more about that. Yeah Remember school, when kids used to plant trees And go: Stas, come down, we need to mope the floors! Alright There you go, use it. Are we ever gonna dismount from this topic? Thats it. Were mounted on it now. Only you are. Anyway, she invited me over to her house, and Dick For Two. Go on. Dont even, you know Forget it. That was alright. Youre good. She invited me, and, you know, it was such a classic Saint Petersburg story Oh, stop it, say no more, we all know it. We get it. Saint Petersburg wooed me. This is a Saint Petersburg story* * Reference to a Russian meme This is a Saint Petersburg fight! Why I even mentioned it; I came to her house, we had a lovely dinner, and then her parents said: Weve already made the bed for you. Uh-huh. That meant that I could Fuck our daughter. If it please you! Its high time, too! Well, it wasnt like this. Its only fair. Why Why not? Plus, well watch you. A tall Why is father allowed to, and you arent? Of course, of course. Welcome to our house. Wow! Heres a fiver for that one! You seem like a good suitor, Stas Yes, yes. So? Please stay with us and do what you want. So, I stayed And, consequently, did what you wanted. I was doing what I wanted for 2 years thats how long I stayed there. For 2 years? Thats how they made the bed for you? Never unmade it once since? Exactly, I stayed with them for 2 years, and everything was awesome, but Youve fucked absolutely everything there, havent you? I have. And everything was wonderful. I have to say, actually, that girls from Saint Petersburg are flawless. Theyre shaved And they have more of an entrance hall than an entryway, right?* * Reference to Saint Petersburg dialect Or theyre Youre right. Or theyre more like Like this With With a concierge sitting right here. Where are you going? Greetings and welcome! Girls from Saint Petersburg are great. Theyre flawless. Yes, everything was perfect, except for one big but in our sex life. OK. Oh, there was after all! You were a part of it. No No, grandpa was a part of it. OK, a second but He woke up! Weve been fucking on top of him. We thought it was an old chair. An inflatable An inflatable grandpa. Stas! Stas! St… St Thats how DJs invented scratching. St-St-St Continue. Fuck, continue There was one insignificant but she was always silent during sex. Uh-huh. Were all the rest chatting with you? Maybe shed just died a long time ago? And you were like: Fine by me. Ill just pretend everything is OK. No, just imagine this Everyone else was speaking, yeah? Were you having sex on a stool? Theres nothing we werent having sex on! Were you pushing her down with your ass or what? Are you sure it was actually sex? I am absolutely sure it was sex.At least I think This, or a shish-kebab. It was sex. Maybe she was just mute and couldnt tell you fuck off from their house. He was too busy fucking her The whole family was mute, going Yes, I live here, great! Im chilling, its awesome! Im staying with you! Katya, why are you silent? They were showing him: This bed isnt made for you. Oh, did you make it for me? Get out of here, you faggot! What? Do I live with you now? Awesome! My name is Stas, hello! Continue. All of this really happened. I say to her: Katya Because that was her name, right? Last name? Its not important. Why? Every detail is important to me. OK, moving on, moving on. You stayed in Saint Petersburg for 2 years, your sex life was great except for the fact that she was silent. Yes. She was having sex silently. OK. I thought she was And you usually scream. I do. Why are you silent? Dont be silent! Dont be silent! That was me. No, this was him. (Singing My sweet one by Tea For Two, Stas ex-band) Rustam, please repeat, I want to see it one more time. Thats how he was sitting and holding her. I am holding your hands “I am holding your hands …soon I will untie them”. Fucking hell! Stas is a faggot. Havent Havent been said in a while. OK, next? I say to her: Can you please make at least one sound? Just so I could Just fart, for example. At the very least. Because I needed to know when we start and when we finish when to feed her. because I couldnt tell. Couldnt you tell by yourself? How could I? Sitting in a bus, going: Should I start or No, I could tell about myself, but I could never tell about her, because Because its very different. She says to me: How can I scream in an apartment where I have my grandma from this side, grandpa from that side With everybody in the room. Yeah, and they all sit like this. My grandma, my grandpa, camera, lights Could you at least turn her over? Shes got pressure sores! So, she goes: Be a real man, rent an apartment And you go: Who? Me? Be a real man? Give me my 300 grands! Do you know who I am? Rent an apartment and lets move there so that there are no more relatives around just you and me.Then I will show you some genuinely unforgettable sex. Were you going to watch a movie or Yeah, shed just put some porn on Look! So, you rented an apartment. I rented an apartment, we came there late at night, got the keys, entered it at midnight, o Opened the door Then what? I put the bags down, she said: Ill go make dinner. I said: No. Lets go straight to the bedchamber. Was there a bedchamber there? Ill have you for dinner! Yes, yes, yes. I did promise to scream. Right. So she said: Lets go! We entered the bedroom, went straight for the bed and fell asleep. and then, I have to give her credit for that, she was really loud. Yeah, just how you like it. So, you didnt notice how you accidentally injured her leg in the bed Just: Yeah, that was loud indeed You did give it your best. She was such a good girl, she was going As promised. Grandpa! Can you hear me? Stop it, stop it. And thats when I ask you: what happened next? OK, you can So what happened next after that exact moment when you were fucking her and she was screaming? What happened after that? Yes. Stas, please tell us I wonder how it all may have ended. Maybe something slipped out. Out of what? And slipped in somewhere a bit lower. Stas What position were you in? Position? Yeah. Wait, I could use positions? She was behind. That part we all remember. We dont forget the strap-on. It is just what the doctor ordered. Always carry the strap-on. There you go, this is for She was behind. No, its actually important to know the position. Whats the point in that? Well, how were you fucking her? Come up with one yourself. Stas only knows one. Yeah. I think you know quite a lot of things, Stas. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, Stas, the size of your talent couldve been huge. couldve been, right. Whats in your plans besides dying soon? Im sorry This ones not planned. Excuse me, Stas. No, but for real, though At least I At least I You do look, like, really ugly. At least I know who Im going to invite to my funeral all of you, guys. Just so people could have fun. Were not even gonna bury you well just leave you in the apartment. My hand will unexpectedly go weak when Ill be your pallbearer. But for real, though, you ride a motorcycle, right? Yes. So Any time now. Yes, so please dont fucking crash to death before the release of this episode. So that we dont have to write: Dedicated to Stas the faggot. Because That was awesome! Because we wouldnt know what to do with money. Put it in your casket? Plus, our jokes may not be funny at all after that. They will! They definitely will, come on. Please dont die. OK, I wont. When will this episode be released? Could you maybe address the audience in the event of your death? Seriously. Into this camera or into that one. Dear subscribers. Dont race. You can laugh. I staged everything. Im dead, so I also sleep on the other side. I see you all and I thank each and every one of you. Up here, the video is trending. OK, thats enough. Subscribe to the channel, hit the like button Ill be up here. Endings, endings, come up with your endings. Stas, what do you do now, what do you work on? Everyone is so interested; everyone follows your career path Answer. How many Instagram followers do you have? I dont have any. They are my friends! Nah There are two of them. I checked it before taping Is it really so important? I checked and saw that youre preparing a new tour with the boys With whom else, Lyokha? If were being honest, Stas is a very Hes very active. You do have male backup dancers, right? I do. Well, of course, why would he have women Who are you? So there you go. Is there a new hit song of yours? No. Of course, theres never been any, why would one appear now? OK, lets get back to the story Maybe he has an old hit song I dont have any old ones either. Ive actually about it for while, because is there really any point in trying so hard now Because you used to try so fucking hard before. Nearly split a gut from trying. Fire, theres no Wi-Fi how long did this take you? How long I just want all of you to notice how hard theyre trying to insult me, but nevertheless, one of them mentioned the song Lady, I dont dance, which is a hit song, and another Lady, I dont dance is a good song. Another mentioned Fire, theres no Wi-Fi another hit song. Both are huge hits! Were just jealous. It looks like a conversation with a therapist. So dont simply Can you imagine? What makes a song a hit? Is it the simple amount of plays from everywhere, or does it have to be liked? I think its the number of mentions. The mentions? By whom? Youve just mentioned them yourself. Because Ive heard Fire, theres no Wi-Fi a thousand times, and its a piece of shit. What makes it a hit? When you hear it, dont you go: Fuck me Motherfuck What kind of imbecile Theres already Wi-Fi everywhere, the whole countrys covered. Stas, stop it, come back from From Bali. OK, lets move on to the endings. May I Lets not. Tambi, what do you think happened after they both screamed during sex and No, why is it a piece of shit? Do you need a fucking review panel? We should ask you that! Wait, and you shut up. Wow! Stand up. Stand the fuck up! Sanya, Sanya, calm down! Sit down, Sanya! Yura, come on, relax, Yura! Guys I actually want to witness this. Yura, come on, Yura I want to witness this! Sit down The faggot versus Tambi! Tonight! Take your seats. Lyokha, what were you saying. Ask the question. Why is Fire, theres no Wi-Fi a piece of shit? Because you wrote it like this. Because you Most probably, because you are a talentless faggot. All of it! Im giving you all the money! Ive given him everything. OK, lets move on. I could feel how oily this money was. Something tells me Something tells me that Were jealous. But Lady, I dont dance is interesting. It really is. Several words are repeated there again and again, but then bam! And I do fucking dance! That one was interesting, I was surprised. Fucking hell, this is Lyokha, lets speak after were done. Ill explain to you that it wasnt. You really have such a hillbilly attitude. I do. It is a piece of shit because it is a piece of shit. There something was repeated, so I remembered it. Damn it, which one is Lyokha? How did he switch seats? Stas, why did you come here? Go sit over there. Lyokha, come back. Did you invent a teleporter? Damn Tambi, tell us your ending. OK, lets finish this as fast as possible. I agree. Stas and his lady Her name was Ekaterina, right? Right. Ekaterina. Some Ekaterina who doesnt know what the fucks been going on with her life for two years EkateVictor She keeps fucking Stas, who doesnt understand non-verbal cues and thinks Say it in the True Crime voice, please. What voice? The True Crime one. Like the one narrating the show Snapped. That one? No-no-no Irina and Victor.Theyve been fucking Stas and Ekaterina entered the apartment Oh, I get it. They didnt even suspect that they were going to have sex that day. Ekaterina, 23 years old. Stas and Ekaterinas relationships started way back in Saint Petersburg. Ekaterina couldnt even suspect that Stas would turn out to be a kept man. For two years, Stas has been living in Ekaterinas apartment with her parents and grandparents without realizing that this was fucking crowded! Having assumed that silence means consent Stas has been trying to fuck Ekaterina into dust. In these two years, Ekaterina got older And she turned four. Four-and-twenty. OK Our show is rated 16+. Thats when Ekaterina started to suspect something. I think Stas is a kept man. Her parents said so. It cannot go on like this. You have to do something. You should get him out of here And leave with him. We dont need a daughter like you. Hes writing strange rhymes or something. Having secured Ekaterinas approval, Stas said: Hey, didnt you get a new job in Moscow? Let us both only you find an apartment We will both firstly you move in there And then we will scream our hearts out.Ekaterina didnt have a slightest clue that Stas was luring her into his trap. After entering the apartment and heedlessly removing his clothes Stas invited her to join him in the bedchamber. Ekaterina said: Should I make some dinner first? Im completely exhausted. Youve been fucking me for 2 years, and I didnt even have time to eat. Pretending to not have heard any of it Stas was continuing to pursue his goal. Stas threw her on the bed, jumped on top of her and started the intercourse. Ekaterina was whimpering fearfully. said Stas in return. Shes like: What are you doing? What are you doing? Im fucking you! Fucking me where? Thats my belly-button! Fuck Now she has a perforated stomach. Thats why they broke up. He didnt want a defected girlfriend. OK, this was Tambis ending. Sergey? What do you think happen next? Im disappointed, actually. Stas Kostyushkin of all people said: Give me 300 grands and call me a faggot. He mustve already pawned all the MuzTV Awards, all the Golden Gramophone Awards are fucking there I dont even know what to say.You were fucking, right? Right. And she was like Is this right? When will this fucking nightmare end? When are you going to fuck off, you ancient faggot? Give him a fucking thousand! Ive given him everything already. She gave him a thousand rubles, and he was like: Well, now that Ive got my money, I shall go back to the gay club to dance there and continue doing some faggot shit. I dont even have money anymore. My name is Stas Kostyushkin, thank you very much. Thank you, Sergey. Rustam? He paid you in advance. She said: Should we at least take off our shoes? Nah, come with me. To the room. Should we at least fucking eat? No-no-no He put her down, got on top Shall we lose the coats? No-no-no! So, she was like Stas! Stas! Shh, dont say a word Stas! Stas! Come on! Stas! Do it! What? What is it? At least take off your pants. You have a metal crotch! Take these pants off! This was my ending. Thanks a lot, Rus. Lyokha, I suggest you skip screaming and just tell us the line. What do you think? To be honest with you, I couldnt come up with anything Oh yeah? First of all, I didnt want to say anything at all after Tambi, it was beautiful. Well, if you dont have anything, dont be so Its just that it wont be any good Try to improvise. Improvise? So, she was screaming Like this Scream until you come up with something. Honestly Ive got to say that I feel like we were all there. I just feel like this episode is going to be re-watched many times by minorities just to see four handsome young men scream like this one after another Well, now you know what to do. You have to write a shitty song. When will this end? Lets try this: you are Ekaterina and you, Stas, are Stas. And you both scream. Lets try it, Lyokha. Am I Ekaterina? Yeah. Well do it with some distance between us. So, shes screaming, right? Right. What happened? Oh, is this how you scream? Do you need some warm-up? Why are you screaming like a pig? Well, who were you fucking? OK, you go ahead and start and he will join you.Go. Lets stand up at least. No-no-no. Do you fuck while standing? Im gonna push you against the wall And then well see how it goes. Why are you all so insecure? Stand up. Alright OK, OK Does somebody want to stand in between and make a wish? Turn around, please. No. Im gonna be standing here, I swear. Ill be right here. I dont believe your words. Listen, I was once fooled like this by Tarzan.* * previous guest of the show Dont trust these buffed guys. Theres a huge distance between us, believe me. I dont know I dont know what you have. Even if I really wanted to Come on! I think he has something like a fire hydrant that he Lyokha, Im asking you, please turn around. No. Start screaming. Just the sound Lets swing like this at least Hes out of sync Stas! Stas! The tea is very hot! That was Lyokha, and those were the comedians endings, lets give them a round of applause.Their endings were just amazing. Thank you. And then they were drinking dick. So, in the end, Stas, in the end, after you both screamed, what happened next? Well, my ending isnt as funny as yours. That was just glorious, bravo. Teabag For Two. I dont even want to tell my ending now, because people are going to be like: Meh It happens every time, dont worry. Plus, youre quite a shitty guest as is. After the belly-button its going to flop. That was amazing. You want to try it now, dont you? Yeah! I have to experience it at least once.We started having sex at midnight, she did start to scream very loudly. But then the upstairs neighbor went: Are you fucking insane? Who screams at midnight? Why didnt you invite me? Do I have to jerk off in here like an idiot? Have I Have I been watching you two for nothing? His wife says to him: Relax, Sasha, let them be, just go to sleep No, we should race them! Youre gonna laugh at this, but she hasnt screamed in that apartment since that time. Lyokhas not gonna laugh at this. Because you buried her somewhere deep in the woods, didnt you? Ill tell you more nobodys gonna laugh at this. Now you can choose a gift. Which ending was your favorite, our deal and lovely Stas? Only one gift, or one for each? Only one gift and only one ending. If you feel like it, you can take the money out of your pocket and sincerely give it to somebody You can take your slacks off. Im gonna give you a cock. Dude, you dont know birds at all Tambi is the winner! Thank you so much, Stas! Semyon Slepakov! Youre all going to see how different our attitudes are when it comes to faggots Well, dont be so and when it comes to gems of humanity! We cant let our fans down, thats what I think. Fuck them. No, roast the living shit out of me. Im just saying Im not worried about Lyokha, you dont have to tell him twice. You guys, though, you are serious people from the city of Nalchik, youre respectful Weve basically studied together Me too! Im also respectful! I also have respect for you! For real, Im serious. No, me too, me too. But, but Respect your elders! This guy refused to approach Kostyushkin! I did. Youre delightful. But your ears stick out like a bitch. Are these the newest Russian army tech? What-what? Nothing, its fine. Are these army tech Are you checking my hearing with this ear? No-no, please continue talking and telling the story, we will Wow, youre on fucking fire, guys! Roasting him like crazy! Do you see? We cant even do it. Doesnt come out. We actually have so much respect for you that we dont even know how to How do you express this respect? Well, I just dont express any disgust towards you. Yeah, in your case this means a lot. But if you take off your hat, everything may change drastically. If I take it off, you may start joking about my baldness. Take it off, then! And get naked, maybe well find something to laugh at. Do you see, dude? Youre fine. I shouldnt be putting it here Throw it the fuck away! No, Ill just put it nicely Guess well have to roast his story. If you cant find any flaws, just make them up and joke You legless cunt! Also, you break-dance like shit! And your cooking is fucking awful! Shut the fuck up, you dont know my cooking. I agree, thats a sacred cow. Yeah! You fat fool Alright, the only option left for us, in my opinion, is to have a go at his story. OK, OK. Since we cant do it with the guest. Wait! Semyon is actually Jewish. Bam! Lets start the episode over! Matches! Somebody get some matches! Has anyone got a gas lighter? Is this what you were talking about? OK Do you carry your foreskin on your neck or He has it here Thats his ear. He has two dicks there. They circumcised him in the wrong place. Should have started from up here. So much skin Ring on the finger, ring on the finger And they put the circumcised part on his ears. Not to let it go to waste, because hes Jewish. Everything is used, nothing is thrown away. In the soup! So, guys, I used to play KVN*. Who of you here have played KVN? Only * Russia-wide comedy competition and a TV show Only the moro What? There they are. You havent, right? Never. You simply hate it, as you keep saying all the time I despise it.I call it STS. Sexually transamitted bullshit. Transamitted? You havent played in Caucasus League, you dont know what youre talking about Sexually transmitted bullshit is actually better than something thats not bullshit. How do you decode the acronym KVN, then? Do you want me to jokingly decode KVN? No, I want you to decode KVN. To decode it totally? So that its completely deciphered? No, just the acronym KVN. Why is it so hard to understand? The acronym KVN, alright. I can only tell you its real decoding. I dont want the real decoding. Anyway, it doesnt matter, its still KVN. I used to play KVN in 2004 I loved your team so much! Yeah, Ural dumplings* were the best! Literally. * Another KVN team I used to watch it back then. I even didnt use to consider it shit at that time, seriously. That sketch with you decorating the Christmas tree: Won-der Ex-cel and all that. I liked it a lot. I used to be a KVN man, who at that time was still playing KVN. And we went on a tour Youre spoon-feed it as if Im bad at understanding. OK. Have you already been on tours? Nobody gives a shit about us. Tours? What tours? Weve barely got 30 people in there No offense, I just think that you may get invited to some corporate gigs. Have you had such offers? 100,000 Euros. Just stating numbers. For 300,000 rubles, though, we can Well come to you with Stas and fucking roast his faggot ass! He left you so satisfied, by the way. Of course, hell be satisfied, hes got a plug up his ass. He came here satisfied, sat here satisfied and left us satisfied. The moment it was taken out: Ooh Anyway Yeah, so we went on a tour. After a couple appearances on the First TV Channel we went on a tour. But the thing about the tour was that nobody considers KVN players to be artists. Stas Kostyushkin was probably accommodated in nice rooms, but we were always put in some Yes. The woman wasnt screaming, but other than that We would always eat near somebodys wake Did you specifically travel there? No, theyd just choose the cheapest place Some grandma just died! Food! Do we finish eating her? No, guys, come on. We have some sketches that could cheer you up. Theyd always let us live in places such as Ryazan circus dormitory and so on. Just what you deserved. Yeah, and we always had horrible tour managers.The very first tour weve ever gone on consisted of 12 gigs, and its manager was a guy named Sanya. And Sanya? Sanya. He once knocked on my door at 5 in the morning, saying: Semyon! Semyon! Was he singing? Semyon! Semyon! He spoke a little bit like this. Semyon! Semyon! Its Sanya, open up! Its your tour manager! Wait. Was this one of Mikhail Galustyans character in your sketch show? No-no, it was Sanya, a real guy. Borodach was his name. I opened the door, and he was like: Semyon, give me $100. What do you need it for, Sanya? Every hotel used to have its own casino back then. He said: Ive lost all the performers fees! Hed had all of our fees for all 12 gigs. I am so happy! Ive lost all your fees in the casino! Lets quickly go down and win it back before they wake up! Meaning the other performers. And I wore everybody up as fast as I could, we called the main organizer who was above Sanya and wasnt a twat. No, he also was a twat, but of a different kind. Yeah, he was more of a Is Sanya at least dead now? He said: Im very sorry, this is my fault. He returned all the money for the 12 gigs, because The money just slipped away. One minute its here, poof! And I lost it. A tiny mistake. Well, he wanted to make more money, because Never mind. He had good intentions at the end of the day. All good. Its very common. So, this guy, his name was Andrey, said to us: Im very sorry, this is our mistake. Was he on his knees during that? No, it was a phone call apology. Yeah, you know, Ive already left They returned us all the money. Our gigs werent expensive back then, 500 dollars a gig to the whole team What year was that? 2003 or 2004 Kostyushkin wouldve lost his fucking mind. Thats when he was living in someone elses flat for half a month, yeah. He was fucking everything in there. Interrupting is wrong. While you were somewhere in the circus, that shithead was Im sure he was having a better time.Anyway, this guy said: Im going to send you the best fucking tour manager in my roster. So, we Get this: he wears shoes. Shiny ones, too He even has a folder! So, we were sitting in a bus one day, and this very sharp-looking dude came in. He was easy to see, right? Yes, very easy. The image was very sharp. He was very well put together, you know, and very Color compensation, contrast everything was set perfectly. Yeah. And near him was some shady guy The one before him wasnt sharp. We all lost our minds when we saw him, even the drivers. Thats how sharp he looked. Holy fuck! We had two drivers who were very funny. 4K! No, 19D. Two drivers who were working in shifts to make more money. Were there two steering wheels? Was one steering left and the other right? They would drive all night long and then tell us in the morning: We were driving when we saw a man taking a shit on the road! And I was like: Im gonna hit him! But then he flew away; it was an owl! Thats something they would tell us in the morning. It was Jeepers Creepers, I suppose? So, these drivers, right? One wore a hat, the other didnt. I was like: Im gonna hit him! Can you imagine? He was scared of a guy taking a shit on the road. Of course he had to hit him. He could ruin the markings! And then they say that roads in Russia are shit! This is rule number one. If you see a 4-year-old girl in a white dress with a teddy bear in her arm in the middle of the road at night, you fucking hit her. The same goes for a man taking a shit. Run him down. Its the same: cute little girls and Theyre from the same family. Daddy, finish faster. Wait a sec Cover me up, darling Cover me up. Paper! Bring me some paper. No paper? Give me the teddy bear. Give it to me. Im sorry, well buy you another one. Look, its brown now! You wanted a brown bear, didnt you? Give me your dress, OK? Give me your dress. Its white. Take it off. So, we were sitting there after some sort of Sitting and shitting. Basically yeah, sitting and shitting. This guy came in, looking very sharp, wearing a black coat Were there any other features? We understood he looked sharp. Well, his body consisted of very distinguishable shapes, you know? He was very square everywhere and So he looked very confident. Was he from Minecraft? Yeah, I guess he was. His face was determined Did he have a man bag? Of course, he did. Then I agree, he looked sharp. He walked in Yeah, he actually walked in just like this. He kind of looked like you, too. It was him. He didnt have a beard, though, because sharp-looking dudes dont have beards. He looked very sharp. He walked in, everyone looked at him, and we were all hungover that time Did you use to drink? We used to drink heavily. Did you use to drink? Did you use to ingest alcohol? I did, and youre gonna hear more about it further in the story. Im gonna puke all over your carpet.Im gonna ruin your shitty show. I will hit you in the face in 5 minutes, Nurlan. The only part of him that didnt look sharp was an enormous wart right here on his face. It was this big. This big? Like your ear? No, come on, I wouldnt go so far. Not like my ear, no. Did it have hair? If you scale my ear 1:100, that was his wart. It was huge. Uh-huh. So, he stood there and said: Listen here, guys. I have a wart. In case In case any of you missed it, its here. Thats it, good-bye, everybody, Im leaving. Have a good tour! No, he said: Listen here. Im I am your new tour manager. My name is Sergey and my last name is Wart. I am a very serious person. I do everything sharply. Then he said: Its very easy to have a good relationship with me. Theres only one thing I dislike. And its when people make fun of my wart. And we werent even, you know A wart is a wart, right? Nobody was gonna Plus, youve seen our team, we werent exactly perfect-looking. So He walked in Weve heard about it, yes! We wouldve said: Come in, youll be one of us. You had a fun tour, Ill tell you. Why? Lyolik looked perfect. Lyolik was No, Lyolik looked bad They were bunch of freaks, Seryoga. Yeah, I think thats how our team was put together in the first place. What about Davidik? Cabinet of Curiosities team. Didnt you have that very tall girl that Seryoga, youd fit right in. Lets No, come on, these were so freakish that I would look good compared to them.Id be Mr. Universe. Is there such a contest? But yeah, our team really wasnt very good-looking. Weve never even had beautiful girls come to our shows. Of course. Why would they? Other teams would have them They werent allowed inside. They would always come to see other KVN teams live, but Well, I came to one of your shows, just so you know. Thank you for proving my point, bro. Thats what Im saying. I meant just that. I was really looking forward to it, too Wow! My people are in town! They should take me with them. Seryoga used to hold a poster in Pyatigorsk. It was tilted. He doesnt hold posters anymore after that time. So, he said: The one thing I hate is when people make fun of my wart. And we went Suddenly, our attention was back after these words. But then he added: And the absolute worst thing you can do is call me a wart hog.Hes given us all his cards. He gave you the ammo. I also dont like it when my mothers being called a whore, for example. It wasnt her fault, she hit a rough patch I would also have you know that I have a tiny penis, and if anybody sees it, let me know. If anyone saw it So, we went on a tour with the wart-hog, having never mentioned his wart, obviously You were sitting like this.The whole team did this. Nobody has ever uttered a sound about his wart Somebody started frothing from trying to keep it in. His wart Not even one. We were making all kinds of jokes. Like, Seryoga! Your head has a fucking head on it! And so on, everyone was adding something new, we were brainstorming more and more wart jokes. Like, it was a satellite orbiting around his head. Then he would Then he would talk on his phone and hide the wart behind the phone, and we would say: You asshole, stop hiding your wart behind the phone. We still remember its there. We arrived in the city of Astrakhan with the wart-hog. I needed to He couldve just said it was a booger. They couldve said: Are you not going to finish your meatball? OK, then what? We arrived to Astrakhan They grow watermelons there.Did they mistake his fucking wart for a watermelon and take it to the market? Yeah. So, we arrived, but I needed to go from Astrakhan to Pyatigorsk, because our sponsor, a mineral water company, had asked me to do a corporate gig. Baikal! Nothing changes, as you can see, Semyon. Were also sponsored by water. The mineral water company asked me to do their corporate gig, and I needed to go from Astrakhan to Pyatigorsk right after our show.But there used to be no connection between Astrakhan and Pyatigorsk except for a car. There were no flights, and the distance is 700km. Could they call each other at least? There were no trains either, right? No trains either. The only was to get from Astrakhan to Pyatigorsk was by car. was to start jumping on a wart really high, so that Yeah, something like this. You just have to sit on it, and everybody else has to squeeze it real hard so you get launched Ew! Ew! But you couldnt ask him to do that for obvious reasons. I asked the wart-hog to find me a car. There was no other option, I needed to go by car. So, after the show he walked up to me and said: A car is waiting for you. I walked out Was it the host of Wheel of Fortune? He did say in this manner. A car is waiting for you! For you! But he was very sharp in his speech, he said: You all keep laughing at my wart, and I still managed to find you a car. Nice dude. As if these things are connected. Youre like, wart-hog this, wart-hog that, and I found you a car. Youre the one with the wart; Im the one with the car. Even when I leave, your wart will be visible. I could see this wart long after I took off. Anyway, I walked out and saw a Sixer, it was very banged-up. In the front seat sat a dude that BMW 6 or Zhiguli 6? I guess it was a Zhiguli 6. BMW 6 Series didnt exist back in 2003. And even if it had existed you wouldnt have had it. it wouldnt have been in Astrakhan and the warthog couldnt have found one for me. Anyway There stood a regular Zhiguli 6, it wasnt very new Because a new Zhiguli 6 is so different from an old one. They keep and keep restyling it. It is different for the first several months. A new one is unrecognizable. It is sold with that old guy with mustache who always carries a sack of potatoes. Youre absolutely right, Tambi. In the front seat sat an old man, he was somewhere around 65, and he was His arms have grown into the steering wheel. Hes like that dude from Pirates of the Caribbean that goes Part of the ship, part of the crew! Yeah.Part of the Zhiguli. Hes usually with his wife, and they travel to their country house. Lyuda, Lyuda Pump the gas, you imbecile! It started! Its boiling! Semyon, stop interrupting, please, dont you hear them talking? My apologies. Come on, man. What happened? Hes interrupting you all the time. Who? Semyon. Interrupting me? Lets go and kick his ass, then. Why are we still sitting? Its funny how I still look at Semyon during laughter. So, hes allowed to make fun of the wart-hog, huh? Is he even alive now? Will he watch this and go: Fuck! Semyon? What are talking about? Uncle Semyon, come on, please continue. The wart-hog will watch this, and its partly the reason Im telling you this. OK, OK. The car Zhiguli So, in the front seat sat an old man who was wearing glasses with lenses of this size, they were huge, and he was one of those people who drive like this. Sticking their head through the front window. He broke it with his head. Hes like a snout of a ship. And, as you correctly assumed, Seryoga, his wife sat next to him. A typical situation. Thats the car he found for you. Obviously, the car was filled with farts. Because she mustve farted a lot in there. I told you not to take him, I told you! We were simply going to the country house, now we have to transport this flap-eared piece of shit I told you to put the dressed herring in the fridge! Now youre taking it to Pyatigorsk! Come on, Lyuda, lets just finish this ride, lets earn a bit of money Thats it! Thats it! No more cunnilingus for a week! Did she say it to him? Yes, its his punishment. Its his punishment Damn! Lyuda, Lyuda! Forget about the money, but dont take this away from me! Its the tastiest thing in the world! Come on Youre all laughing at this, but Ive been punished like this. Ill stop drinking Not by your wife, though. By her. By some guy. I am I am punished at the moment. A school teacher. My mouth is dry. Yes, Alexey, now you will have to learn the poem. And youll let me Well see. Lets get back into the car. Zhiguli 6, husband, wife. I asked: Are you going to go together? And she said: This assholes not going anywhere without me! Cant you see hes fucking blind? She used to be a navigation app back then. Whos gonna look at the map? Whos gonna help him? So, I sat and thought that it was going to be Was the wife in the front seat? They both were in the front, I sat in the back because She was on top of him. There are wives that sit behind their husbands, you know. A guy is sitting in the front seat of a car, and shes behind him, as if its not her ride.She just fucks his mind from behind all the time. She keeps poking his head with her finger. After he parks a car in the garage, she doesnt come out and stays there. He keeps the car running, opens the windows and closes the garage so that she fucking suffocates. Itll end soon. The road between Astrakhan and Pyatigorsk is a dual highway, you know. Yeah, you just sit back and relax in your Zhiguli 6. Something was starting, maybe rain, maybe thunder, it was getting dark, and I had to be with them A lightning ball, probably. And I had to be with them for around 600-700 km. 900. I went to the shop and bought a 0.7 liter bottle of whiskey because I reckoned I needed to be deadly drunk to be absent from this ride and just transport my body from there to Pyatigorsk. Youre always surrounded by shitty people, Semyon. First the wart-hog, then Sanya, then your team then us. Yeah, then us. So, I bought the whiskey, drank it in the backseat, meanwhile the rain was hitting the front window, and the wife was going: Where are you going, asshole? Cant you see where youre going, you moron? Stop it, Lena Look at the fucking road! Look at the fucking map! This noise gradually became lower, and I fell asleep. You used the teleporter. I fell asleep peacefully. In the trunk of the car. And I woke up I woke up because she started shaking me like this and screaming: Wake the fuck up! Were lost! Are you happy? Slept well, huh? Everything was fine when you were awake. You fell asleep now were fucked. Turn your probes on. Now you are my husband. And I went Now you are my husband Now you get no cunnilingus. Get us out of here! No! We call it Yummy in our family. The husband was seeing just fine. He just thought: I dont want to see this shit. I want a focus shift to be unable to see anything. So, she woke you up and I woke up and I asked her: What? How did we get lost? This asshole got us lost, thats how! He was sitting like this. Lyuda, stop chastising me Did he get offended? No, he didnt say anything, he already knew he was an asshole. Maybe 30 years ago he had tried to argue, but now hes given up. He tried to say No during the wedding. They stitched his mouth close that time. She could call him however she wanted. Anyway, it was the gray of dawn, and she was saying to me: We arrived in the Stavropol region, but we dont know where your city is, we dont know where Pyatigorsk is.Its over! They were headed in a completely different direction before you, didnt they? No, they didnt. Were they going to Gelenjik when they thought: OK, well make a detour? I was like: What do we do now? You go and find out! Go! Find Pyatigorsk. I got out of the car, walked onto an empty road and saw a car approaching from the distance. What car was it? A black jeep with blacked-out windows. Which one? A gangsters car. I dont know, maybe, Toyota. Are you certain or not? Alexey, Im not certain. Please make It a Cherokee. I saw a black Cherokee with blacked-out windows Thank you. Ive contributed to the story. Grand Cherokee. I realized that unless I stop him How did you see a black car in the darkness? It was dawn already, as Ive said. It was dawn, meaning that there was somewhat of an adequate visibility. Ill put it like this: light conditions at the time allowed for the color of the car to be distinguished. But if it wasnt dawn I love how Semyon still has to explain this stuff.Yes, it was pretty bright. Lyokha ran out of the ways to get at our guest. Ive told you this. Its because I respect Semyon. We should stop inviting guests that we respect. Ive never seen a person I respect more than Semyon. Hence why Im asking you, Semyon, if the car was, for example, metallic gray, would you be able to see it in that light? Or if it was the color of dawn, then what? Yeah. Would you be able to see the car if it was the color of dawn, as Tambi has correctly stated? Fuck me! Could it have hit you then? What conditions had to be met in order for you to not see that car? Lets all help him out. Lyokha You said you respect Semyon.Do you talk with your mother like this as well? With the same respect? What happens when he hates somebody? I love my mom, but I respect Semyon. So, is it borscht that Im eating or So, if borscht was on the red table, how would I see it? Is it borscht or a chameleon? So, borscht is made with beets. Beets, beads Are they round? Semyon, you really confused all of us. I know. And thats when Lyokha sits alone at home. So, am I Alexey Scherbakov, did I get it right? So, am I the one who is on that show, huh? Yeah. Oh, so, Im a moron. OK, OK. If I wear gray clothes, how will I see myself? Oh, so, I wont be able to see myself. No. How will Semyon see me if I wear gray clothes? I got on the road, saw this black jeep with blacked-out windows, realized I didnt know when the next car was going to appear, so I had to stop it. Stick your hand out. I got in the middle of the road like this and just started shitting. Oh Like this. And an airplane landed. I started waving my arms He accidentally landed an airplane. as if to say I was not drunk that there was an accident. I had some residual courage from being hungover And a car went between his legs. As youve As youve mentioned, Im Jewish, so I probably wouldnt start doing this on the road, were I sober. But I was hungover, and a hungover Jew is a bit Ukrainian. Russian. So, I started waving my arms, saying: Stop, my friend! and stuff like that. He definitely heard that. And the car stopped Well, he said it in such a loud voice. These two were looking from inside their car like this. What? What? They were silently observing all this. That old man? That old man and that woman saying: You asshole! While they were there, he said to her: Maybe a little bit of cunnilingus? Just the tip. And she said Ill just take a sip. And she said: If you didnt get us lost, we wouldve been in Pyatigorsk by now, and you and you wouldve been inside me. Yes. Now sit down and wait for Semyon. The car stopped, and out of it came a real It was 2003, so gangsters used to be pretty common The dude really looked like a gangster. He was bald, he had a huge neck So, he came up to me, and I said: Good morning. Im very sorry, but could you tell me which way is Pyatigorsk? He looked at me very angrily. I thought he was definitely going to hit me. There was some tiny thing that kept him from hitting me right then. Something else also kept me from leaving him, because I was hungover, I wasnt in a hurry, so I simply stood in front of him. You waited. I did. Then he told me: I know you. Thats how he said it. I replied: Yes, you know me, because there is a TV show called KVN, and its broadcast on the First Channel, thats why No, thats wrong.He said: I know you. I said: Yes, you do. He said: Where do I know you from? I said: You probably know me from KVN, a TV show on the First Channel, and you mustve seen me there. What happened next? Youve already forgotten this part was coming, havent you? OK, Semyon, please tell us what youre working on nowadays. Youre going to have a show in Moscow, right? I saw some billboards Its going to be on November 23. Not in Moscow, though; in Barvikha*. In Barvikha, yes. * a very rich settlement near Moscow So, this shit is not for you people.You go ahead and stay at home. Stas can even attend it now. Does a ticket cost 300,000 rubles? Is it harder to perform in Barvikha than in front of human scum? No, theyre good audience. They pay so much that they laugh their moneys worth. They laugh for every single ruble theyve paid. People who live there work really hard, so theyre always very sharp. Like Stas? Like Stas, yes. Maybe another sitcom? House arrest is airing right now, ladies and gentlemen. This show is wonderful. Thank you, thank you. I cant believe how great it is. I like it. Also, if Im not mistaken, The University. Yes. Nah, not this one. Fathers daughters. This one isnt particularly mine. Tambi, lets start from you. Heres the story: there was a tour manager who wasnt very good. He lost all the money of the KVN team from Pyatigorsk in the casino. They found another tour manager that found a great car, a Zhiguli 6. In the coupe Oops, why did I say coupe? Coupe, in a black coupe of Audi TT* * Song Black pistol by Noggano Seryoga, listen. Semyon He sat in the car with an old man An old man and an old woman. And Semyon. An old man, an old woman and Semyon. How did they get there? Yeah. They left Astrakhan for Pyatigorsk. The car died on their way there, and the wonderful married couple that Motherfucker! They had a healthy relationship; their family was very democratic. It was built on mutual respect. Pure love. Theyve had sex the whole trip. Suddenly the car died, so they stopped. For some reason Semyon started solving this problem. He was approached by a jeep. What a trip! A jeep which color Lyokha didnt understand. Out of it came a tough and very sharp-looking Scary. Scary and bald. scary and bald man who said: Have I seen you somewhere before? Semyon went: Maybe. Where have I seen you? KVN, perhaps? Where do I know you from? I know you. I know you, yeah! I know you!, he said. You were both acting so well, I got scared. So, he approached him Arent we on first name terms, Nurlan? Were not. We are. We are. OK, Semyon, chill the fuck out. Its strange to joke about a guys ears and how he put his foreskin on them and not be on first name terms with him. But I still respect you. I was saying about the foreskin. And are we on first name terms? No-no-no. Were not on first name terms, but you definitely have your foreskin on your ears. Lets just imagine a farskin. No end in sight! Say your fucking ending already! Here it goes Semyon, can I ask you to stand up, please? Mind the ceiling OK. Careful with the chandelier, its expensive. I know you Not from KVN I know you You were laughing at my brother because of his wart. Here it is! And he pulled out the wart. OK. This was my ending. Thank you, Semyon. Thank you, it was nice being an active part of it. Your acting is impeccable. Do you know we have to pay him now for standing up? And not falling down. Seryoga? I actually had quite a similar ending to this. Now I guess I have to say something else. You now have to worm your way out of this predicament. How can I get out of this situation? I dont even know how Semyon got out of this situation, and now I have to get out of this situation.Holy fucking shit. Shift to first name terms with him. Look at you. Youve given your ending and now you sit here and fucking smile, huh? Alright, what happened next Id like to make a suggestion. Since weve arrived at such a discomfiture Rustam, come on. Rustam, let Seryoga think for a while No, Im going to say my ending. So, this guy said: Where do I know you from? I dont know you; I have no idea Where the fuck do I know you from, you fucking asshole? Tell me right fucking now where the fuck I know you from. You motherfucking shithead, tell me! I dont know, I have no idea, I am Semyon Slepakov I dont give a fuck who you are! Tell me where the fuck I know you from! Where have I seen your dumbass face? Your ears and all that I dont know; Im Semyon from KVN, I have a team full of freaks of nature, have you seen them? Listen here, you freak! Tell me where the fuck I know you from! I have no idea And thats when the old man who was wearing huge glasses suddenly hit him in the back of the head with an exhaust pipe.And his wife was like: Come on, Yura! Hit him harder! Come with us, we found the way, you fucking asshole! And you all happily drove to Pyatigorsk. On that jeep. On that jeep. That was Seryoga. But he still drove like this. That was almost what had actually transpired. Thank you, Seryoga. Ooh That means my ending is probably not true. Rustam? All of your endings are very close to the real thing. I wanted to guess correctly. Come on, Rus. He approached Semyon and said: Where do I know you from? Semyon was like: KVN and stuff Where do I know you from? Semyon was like: Well, as Ive just said, you know KVN, the First Channel. Where do I know you from? Im repeating the thing Ive repeated a second ago: from KVN.Where do I know you from? Ive told you this, pal Hmm Where do I know you from? Thats when the woman in the car screamed: Who gives a fuck? Get a him, motherfucker! Why are you doing this to him? And he went: Mother? Then this old man said: My son My My son And the music started playing: Dont be afraid to knock on the closed doors The woman approached him, saying: Our son Our love Mother! Would you like some cunnilingus? Theres still some left. Anyway, they turned out to be his parents. Thank you very much, Rus. Lyokha, you turn. Im not gonna start from the beginning. We all get it. Here it goes. He said Semyon, youre gonna have to help me. No problem, Im ready. He said What did he say to you? Where do I know No. I know you. I know you. Yeah. Where do I know you from? You probably know me from KVN. No. Where Where do I know you from? Where do I know you from? Then I have no idea. Guess where I know you from. I dont know, actually Try to imagine. Where can I possibly know you from? Maybe I know you from KVN Yes, Ive been How did you guess? Yeah, I probably know you from KVN. Listen. Ive been driving around here Do you know where I can eat some pussy? Wow The guy really had nothing to do.I should go find some pussy to eat. The hookah place isnt opened yet. Its too early to go to bed. Oh, this guy will know, this one. Semyon, yeah Hmm, maybe Ill have some luck with that Zhiguli Alright, Semyon, please tell us what really happened. He said to me Who guessed it correctly? Everybody was close. He said to me Especially you two. He said to me: I know you.I said: Maybe. Still, how do we reach Pyatigorsk from here? He said: Where do I know you from? Well, I play KVN, youve probably seen me in KVN. He looked at me and said: Uh-huh I thought you were that dick from the gas station! Thank you very much! Now tell us whose ending you liked the most. Or has the story not ended yet? No, it ended. He just gave me a bottle of cognac as a present, he also You passed out again Yeah, and I reached Pyatigorsk quietly. OK, whose ending did you like the most? Well, everybody is so talented that I Come on, this isnt KVN, you can shit all over them. No, I want to pretend Im in KVN. I would like to honor all the teams performances. All the players, all the performers have shown their worth! And these four are standing like this. But the most important thing is something else, do you understand, kids? Some of you may win tonight, some of you may lose tonight And I am your host Semyon, lets wrap it up. I would like each of you to Wait, let me get the present. I would like each and every one of you to receive this bee. Each and every one of you certainly deserves it. I would like to mention Tambis answer. It was very witty Fuck! He remembered He remembered the wart that I had mentioned earlier in the story Ah, Semyon, Semyon This means hes listened to me attentively.I would also like to mention Sergey. What was you answer, Sergey? The one where you got hit in the head with an exhaust pipe. No, not you, the other guy. It was witty, too. Rustams wonderful answer about cunnilingus. Mom and dad and then cunnilingus. Mom and dad and cunnilingus. A very good answer; Im sure people in your hometown will find it funny. Next was Alexeys answer, which basically repeated Rustams answer, but we forgive him for it, because the fact that Alexey can walk and talk in general is simply wonderful. This is a victory of its own. I want to say that all this isnt important. The most important thing is the show and the game itself.The fact that you come up with stuff together And all that thanks to me. and shit on everybody is beautiful. Continue doing this and never give up. I know that you will all become successful We are together Closing song! Closing song! We are starting KVN Thank you very much! Who gets the prize? Can I give it to you? Thank you very much! Hooray, I won! Make some noise for Semyon Slepakov!.
